21st Century’s Worst Failures (Animated Series) – The Nut Job (2014)
The Nut Job (2014) is the equivalent of 100 minutes of an endurance test – one that will test how long it takes for you to lose your sanity as you sit through this movie. The Nut Job (2014) is directed by Peter Lepeniotis and stars Will Arnett as Surly; Katherine Heigl as Andie, Liam Neeson as Raccoon, and Brendan Fraser as Grayson.
It’s the end of fall and winter is coming, and that’s a problem for the park, which is filled with animals led by Raccoon. They’re having their worst food shortage in years, so they react in delight when Surly find a shop full of nuts. There’s only one problem: Surly’s a selfish loner who only cares for himself. But wait! The nut shop is actually owned by King and his associates, who plan to use the underground tunnels their shop is situated under to rob a bank! Ohhh Nooo! So now, the animals want to rob the shop and the guys want to rob some bank. Raccoon, meanwhile, is deliberately withholding food from the park – less food = more control.
The Nut Job is absolutely painful to sit through, mainly due to it’s characters, which are flat and completely one-dimensional. At the end of the movie, you don’t care about these characters. You don’t care about what happens to them, or whether they starve or find the nuts. It’s simply unimportant. Now that’s just some of the characters, though. The others are by far the worst of the two evils. They are incredibly annoying – the way they talk, act, move, the way they’re animated is simply infuriating. Their voices and dialogue doesn’t fare any better. Liam Neeson makes it perfectly clear that he’s only hear to grab a quick and dirty paycheck and leave – just listen to his yawning talk. Stephen Lang, who voices King, talks in the most droned out voice possible. But if you think that’s bad, well… buckle up. There’s one character, Jamie, who always talks in the most violent, shrieking, ear-jerking way possible. Mole (no need to explain what animal he is, as this movie is too lazy to come up with names for half of the characters) sounds as if Mort Goldman spent his whole life in Boston. The result is a cesspool of irritating garbage known as “dialogue” that is expelled from his mouth and caught by our ears, which is not annoying – it’s purely enraging. If there is a theory that certain noises can bring out human emotions – particularly anger – Mole’s dialogue would be all the proof to it. The voice acting is okay at best and torturous at worst. Never have I honestly been this angry at having to watch a movie, but congratulations The Nut Job, you’ve done it.
It’s astounding how poorly written the dialogue that spews out of their mouths are. Some of the worst quotes include: “We’ve found it! The lost city of ‘Nutlantis!'” – Surly, “This is my punishment, Buddy” – Surly (again, wow, that guy really is grating my nerves), and “I am an iron fortress, a brick wall” – Mole (when Surly is interrogating him). There’s good dialogue, there’s boring dialogue, and then there’s dialogue that’s written by people who have no clue what they’re doing. This movie showcases some of the worst lines in cinematic history. Yes, that means it beats movies like The Room, because movies like those are so insipid that they provoke dry humour. This movie just provokes feelings of emptiness and anger.
Wow Patrick, that sounds terrible! It can’t get any worse, can it? Oh, yes it can. And it does. Let us just ditch the lousy plot (which offers no explanation as to why animals would ever bother helping to prevent bank robbers from stealing) and just focus on the score. I mean Psy’s Gangam Style playing in the background. It’s the most insulting, inspid moment in cinematic history I have witnessed.
This movie is outright terrible in every aspect, but unlike others, such as The Room, it’s just bad in a way that makes you wonder why you’d even watch it. I cannot, in good conscience, for the sake of the preservation of human life, recommend this film.
