[The dog is, in fact, saved. Again. You’re welcome. – eds.]
Story: Remember that preggo megalodon from the first film? Me neither, but other than Jason Statham punching a shark, I remember very little else. Anyway, that shark had a baby shark (DOO-DOO), and researcher Jiuming Zhang, decided to keep it For The Research. Naturally, our tiny baby escapes her enclosure and heads out to sea, just in time for Zhang, Jason Statham as himself Jonas Taylor and a bunch of Mana One’s researchers head down to the Mariana Trench. But the megalodons aren’t the only scary things swimming around down there. Hey, what’s that explosion?
Genre I’d put it in: Two Bloated Stories Shoved Into One Film Actioners
Release Date: 2023
Remake, Sequel, Based-On, or Original: Sequel to 2018’s The Meg. Based on the series of novels by Steve Alten, most especially the second in this series, “The Trench”.
Gotta say: Look at that movie poster. See it? Take a really good look. Got it? Okay. Now, if that tickles your ticklish spots? You’re gonna have some fun with 2. Because this sequel takes everything the original film did, and adds more to it. So much more. SO MUCH. As they say, there can definitely be too much of a good thing, and with 2, the film’s graceless piling on of every damn thing makes it a bloated, draggy mess. Unlike the original’s “Jaws But Bigger” concept, 2 feels like two movies – an underwater actioner and a big shark thingamajig – with tons of “are we there yet” padding to bump it to two hours. Hack off about thirty minutes, and this would have been a slam-dunk hilariously good time. As it stands? It’s got its moments, but there aren’t enough of ’em for me to really groove.
The first thing you’ll notice, especially if you’ve seen the trailers, are the samples of other films. So many straight up ripoffs homages to movies we’ve already seen. Jurassic Park, Jurassic World, Deep Blue Sea, Underwater, and many more. These moments only serve to remind me that there are better, more enjoyable fare out there, while I’m stuck in the multiplex crossing my fingers for some glorious B-movie action. When it comes? It’s exactly what I wanted. But boy howdy, did I have to sit through a lot of meh. Writers John and Eric Hoeber, as well as Dean Georgaris, are back, but in 2, they seem to have lost the thread tying the overall plots together. As they could barely deal with one plot in Meg, I’ll let you guess how out-of-their-depth (heh) they are here. Director Ben Wheatley tries to bring an old-fashioned 1940s serial type of energy to the first part of the film, and really lets the craziness rip in the second. But having two vibes, two stories, and no actual set-up hobbles things tremendously.
Luckily, the leads know exactly what kind of film they’ve signed up for, and breathe as much life into the story as they’re able. Statham, Jing Wu, Cliff Curtis, Page Kennedy, and Sergio Peris-Mencheta give it their all and then some, even though the paper-thin script does not give them much to work with. And a few of their fellow cast-members don’t show up like they do. (Example? Peris-Mencheta’s baddie supposedly has a huge romance with another character…but that performer barely gives him the time of day. And we’re not given any info on whether that character doesn’t care about him, is just using him, or is on a power trip. So the scene ends up being a big helping of secondhand embarrassment, rather than a shocking/touching/any emotion c’mon give me something, kinda moment.) Shout out to the lovely and talented Page Kennedy, who brings back his no-longer timid engineer DJ. This character has spent his time away wisely; he’s gotten skilled, stronger, and prepared. All the while being a blend of comic relief and badass. Well done, sir.
The kills are very similar to the original film, mostly because there’s absolutely no way they could be practical without being either much too expensive, and/or super cringe. Not too many named characters bite it, but there are the usual nameless chum for the megs to literally scoop up. Shout out to director Wheatley for many of the angles, viewpoints, and wide shots during scenes of bloody destruction. I see your effort, dude. It is appreciated. Though I couldn’t help but notice that the Big Bad human ends up coming to The Island Where All The Things Happen because…no reason. None. Power broker could’ve just sat back in her penthouse and watch it all play out. But then we wouldn’t have gotten her morality play/ripoff of a better film death scene. Oh no. Oh dear. Whatever.
No, I’m not being an absolute hater. Though I’m still mad about all the plot lines that get dropped, the cardboard cut-out characters that serve zero purpose besides being creature chow (seriously, why even bother with them), the back-story we never get to know, and the character interactions we never see? Of course there’s still some fun in 2. This isn’t an action film you’ll pump your fists at, this is one you’ll guffaw over. Statham riding a mini-tsunami toward a comically large meg? Yep. So many (too man, actually) excellently choreographed fight scenes in the overly-actiony first half? You bet’cha. Meiying (a welcome return by young Shuya Sophia Cai) saving that purse dog, while megalodon, giant squid, and…mermaid-esque dinosaurs wreak havoc? Hallelujah! And a fun Chinese language cover of The Ting Ting’s “That’s Not My Name”, by Pim, that had me trying my best to sing along.
2 had me feeling some kinda way, and maybe the majority of that time was enjoyable. I hooted, I hollered, I did a whole lot of “of course that’s happening” arm movements. I even mumbled “that’s a scientific impossibility” to the movie screen more than a few times. I’m an embarrassment. So is this movie. But hey, the multiplex has air conditioning, and yummy snacks. If you’re in the mood for something stupid-fun – heavy emphasis on stupid – and don’t mind wading through moments that flow like molasses to get to the good stuff? Pull up a relining seat, and have a blast.
#Protip: Since I already dropped the info on the purse pup, I’ll just say that there’s no end-credits stinger. Though with the box office I’m sure this film will drum up? I’d put money on a Meg 3: Primal Waters, very loosely based on Alten’s third Meg novel. Yeah, I’ll be there.
